ROOM 258

 *NOTE* All names have been and will be changed in my posts in order to protect the innocent in addition to saving those that are "stuck on stupid" from any embarrassment

Sitting in the hospital with Sam. Before losing my brother, I would have dreaded this and pretty much downright avoided it. Even when my grandfather, one of the most important people in my life, was in the hospital I had to force myself to go sit with him every day. I loved him more than words can say, but going to a hospital?? I've shuddered the thought for as long as I can remember. I just have a strong aversion to pain and illness - everything I equate to a hospital. I just can't seem to view a hospital as a place of healing and wellness - I view it as a place of sickness and death...hence the avoidance.

Even though my view hasn't changed much, my ability to set those personal feelings aside to try to bring comfort to someone else is stronger. Losing my brother has changed my perspective about a lot of things. Losing my brother has changed me. I can say this with total conviction because Sam, of all people, is not an easy person to be around - to put it mildly. The fact that his illness causes him so much confusion only adds to his already difficult nature and it's hard, to say the least, to balance feelings of anger and frustration with sympathy and pity.

*Nurse just came in - asked if I was his daughter. Sam commented that I just like to "check him out". I corrected him that I wouldn't need to since I snagged his younger version. Sam's response to the nurse, about me: "Yeah, she's a real witch"*

So...my case in point right there: anger/frustration vs. sympathy/pity. But the bottom line is that I love John's family as a whole, so I would do anything for them that would make things easier regardless of my personal feelings about any one individual...even if that individual happens to be SAM.

~ It is so hard to sit here patiently and wait for someone to relive me when I know everyone else is stalling due to their own discomfort about having to deal with Sam ~

Topics I'm Pondering or "Personal Propaganda" 

• Hope
• Moral vs Immoral and How it Relates to Suicide
• Being Desensitized - By Media, Peers, and Desensitizing Yourself
• Thought vs Feeling - Checks & Balances
• The Family Dynamic